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I have so much to learn, this I know. Im just so stubborn that Im not nearly as receptive as I should be. Its ironic because I love to learn, and i want to desperately, but when the method isn't right its a hard pill for me to swallow. Sometimes i wish i would have had more time to enjoy being a child. Sure i missed out on most of it because of the responsibilities given to me, level maturity i was expected to have, but i missed some because of my desire to be grown. I always wanted more, because of this I matured was quicker than i should have. As a result, everyone assumed i was older than i was. i always made friends with older people. Truth be told, i was never ready for the things they were into, but ive always been a quick learner.

Idk, now i just want the best for myself and its not about the fun, or the glam, or the recognition. For the first time, this is really about me. Im so good at making other people happy, i tend to make my happiness one of the lesser priorities. Truth is, i play roles well. I build walls. I put on. I let you see what im comfortable letting you see. i trust few people, but im very trustable. this sounds bad but, i feel like ive always felt like i had to protect myself ( who else gonna do it). Buy ive outgrown that phase in my life. That was a cop out.

The ironic thing about Really growing up is that you learn to take some risks and granted... the fear is there strong and vivid as ever but you don't care. It's not enough to hold you back anymore. Im getting closer and closer to that mind frame everyday, and im nothing but happy with the decisions ive made and the people ive chose to open my heart to. i guess this is what life is all about, growing...evolving, essentially becoming the person you were put on this earth to be. I honestly believe we all have purpose. I think i know where im should to start. i really feel like im on the right track. I needed a little balance. I feel like i have that now. Ive finally gotten to the point where i can be open. i really feel like im Shamriel now. Granted, im learning new things about myself everyday, but im taking it all in one day at a time.

Im so freakn home sick

so I havent been home in a while. On top of that, the last time i was home was for all the wrong reasons. Its crazy because when I was there... all the things i miss now got on my last nerves. I miss the random bums outside the liquor basket, the dudes tryna sell mixtapes. I miss seeing everybody at the grocery store. I miss fuzzys icecream. I miss East Genesee. I miss my fam, my blackperson, craig, and my other ppl. i'd like to think that they are all thinking about me just as much, but truth is, life goes on, and though i may cross their minds, they have all moved on. Im ok with that. It would be nice to see some familar faces, and walk into embracing arms though.

Long over due

So im listening to halo on this random saturday night. I got off work, came home, sat down for a minute and realized that i had a lot on my mind. Things have been so different for me over the past couple of months. I never knew I could know a happiness like this. Sometimes it scares me, the thought that another person is bringing me this happiness. At times i still think this is too good to be true, but every single day he lets me know that its real. He always knows what to say and what to do to make me smile.

I find myself thinking about him at random times of day. I smile every time I look at my phone and see his name. I never thought i'd be this girl, I actually told myself I wouldn't be this girl. I failed once, because I was afraid, I needed to keep my comfort zone. I realized that I cant push you anymore. I don't wanna not have you here. That double negative was real ugly but id rather it be that way. Neway... this means so much to me. I know its hard to tell because im afraid of looking soft, and I know we have no plans because because im afraid of making them, so tonight I wanna change some things.

I love you. Simply because your what im missing in my life. And as long as you want me by your side ill be there. And im ready to start that list whenever you are.