self doubt

I'm smart, but i know people who are smarter. I'm cute but ive seen prettier. Im funny but Im no comedian. I''d like to think to think im a leader but you aren't subject to follow. Truth is im only a little above average. From the outside looking in not much separates me from the crowd. I don't always feel like im good enough, as a matter of fact i rarely feel like im good enough, especially when it comes to academics. I have confidence in myself as person, as a young woman, but as a student im at square one, desperately attempting to build a strong foundation. i want so much out of life, and i know what it takes and what is required of me, but im so afraid of failing that i only hinder myself emotionally. However, i never let the fact that im insecure stop me from achieving, it drives me to do better. From the outside looking in I may appear average, but this average woman will do extraordinary things in the near future, and thats all i require of myself.

So. I'm writing this blog tonight because i know nobody reads my blog, and i need an outlet. I tend to have problems saying how i feel sometimes. I know this is something I need to work on. Sometimes I just feel like im better off not saying anything at all. Clearly that's not always the best option, but that's the method i choose most often. Im i different kind of girl, by this i mean i think differently. The things that piss most girls off don't bother me, but the things that do bother me really bother me. That might be a problem, its like all or nothing with me. With that said, one of the few things that bothers me is when im ignored. I know that people get mad and don't wanna talk, but it really makes me feel like crap when they ignore me especially when i feel really bad about it, and made an attempt to discuss it. i hate the thick clouds of tension. I just feel like theres nothing i can say or do, and i hate that feeling more than anything. This causes me to go into fall back mode. By this i mean i literally fall back. I feel like if you you don't want to talk to me then i just won't talk. Now, i know that this isnt the best method, but at the time it always seems best. Im pretty sure this is one of those things i REALLY need to work on.

Now on another note. Shiny is the best. Like i don't know what else to say. I know he gets mad, and most of the time he has every right to, but at the end of the day he always finds a way to make everything between us alright. This mans patience is outta this world. He's really always there for me, and even though we're apart im never worried. I know im putting him through it right now, i know i am, but its not intentional. I just hope he knows that. im sooo happy with our relationship its almost un real to me.ok im done for now i feel like one of those sprung chicks.

idk

so today is my first day of college, im not sure how i feel about this. The day didn't really start off well, but i'm feeling like it has to get better. I really hope i meet some new people. i think i need some more friends lmbo. Um coming here def makes me work harder towards my goal. I can really see it, i just have to reach a little. I also realize that it's time to put in work. Boy o boy my job is a completely different story, but it's a job none the less. My boyfriend went away to college, and so far things have been going pretty good. Of course there's things for us to work on and kinks to work out. But its good. He's coming to visit this weekend and im super excited. Most of the Krew will be back together again, o im def looking forward to this. I've come a long way, and im pushing forward everyday.

just some quick random thoughts.

Back

I have so much to learn, this I know. Im just so stubborn that Im not nearly as receptive as I should be. Its ironic because I love to learn, and i want to desperately, but when the method isn't right its a hard pill for me to swallow. Sometimes i wish i would have had more time to enjoy being a child. Sure i missed out on most of it because of the responsibilities given to me, level maturity i was expected to have, but i missed some because of my desire to be grown. I always wanted more, because of this I matured was quicker than i should have. As a result, everyone assumed i was older than i was. i always made friends with older people. Truth be told, i was never ready for the things they were into, but ive always been a quick learner.

Idk, now i just want the best for myself and its not about the fun, or the glam, or the recognition. For the first time, this is really about me. Im so good at making other people happy, i tend to make my happiness one of the lesser priorities. Truth is, i play roles well. I build walls. I put on. I let you see what im comfortable letting you see. i trust few people, but im very trustable. this sounds bad but, i feel like ive always felt like i had to protect myself ( who else gonna do it). Buy ive outgrown that phase in my life. That was a cop out.

The ironic thing about Really growing up is that you learn to take some risks and granted... the fear is there strong and vivid as ever but you don't care. It's not enough to hold you back anymore. Im getting closer and closer to that mind frame everyday, and im nothing but happy with the decisions ive made and the people ive chose to open my heart to. i guess this is what life is all about, growing...evolving, essentially becoming the person you were put on this earth to be. I honestly believe we all have purpose. I think i know where im should to start. i really feel like im on the right track. I needed a little balance. I feel like i have that now. Ive finally gotten to the point where i can be open. i really feel like im Shamriel now. Granted, im learning new things about myself everyday, but im taking it all in one day at a time.

Im so freakn home sick

so I havent been home in a while. On top of that, the last time i was home was for all the wrong reasons. Its crazy because when I was there... all the things i miss now got on my last nerves. I miss the random bums outside the liquor basket, the dudes tryna sell mixtapes. I miss seeing everybody at the grocery store. I miss fuzzys icecream. I miss East Genesee. I miss my fam, my blackperson, craig, and my other ppl. i'd like to think that they are all thinking about me just as much, but truth is, life goes on, and though i may cross their minds, they have all moved on. Im ok with that. It would be nice to see some familar faces, and walk into embracing arms though.

Long over due

So im listening to halo on this random saturday night. I got off work, came home, sat down for a minute and realized that i had a lot on my mind. Things have been so different for me over the past couple of months. I never knew I could know a happiness like this. Sometimes it scares me, the thought that another person is bringing me this happiness. At times i still think this is too good to be true, but every single day he lets me know that its real. He always knows what to say and what to do to make me smile.

I find myself thinking about him at random times of day. I smile every time I look at my phone and see his name. I never thought i'd be this girl, I actually told myself I wouldn't be this girl. I failed once, because I was afraid, I needed to keep my comfort zone. I realized that I cant push you anymore. I don't wanna not have you here. That double negative was real ugly but id rather it be that way. Neway... this means so much to me. I know its hard to tell because im afraid of looking soft, and I know we have no plans because because im afraid of making them, so tonight I wanna change some things.

I love you. Simply because your what im missing in my life. And as long as you want me by your side ill be there. And im ready to start that list whenever you are.

Boy o Boy

So i havent blogged in a while but as you all know i recently turned 18. After all the glitz went away i was left with myself and my thoughts. ive recently been reevaluating my life, where i am, where i want to go, and who i want to have along side me on this journey. i also put alot of thought into my standards and what i will and will not stand for. all of these thoughts brought me to think about the one question every woman asks herself at some point in her life. Why do/did i settle?

Is it wrong to have a list, and have high values? Why not weed out all those people who you know aren't worth your time? Why do women settle and then post status' on facebook like "all men are dogs, men suck, men are liars"... the truth is this. Some men are dogs, some men cheat, some men suck, most are liars, but some are great. Those select few who meet the standards of your list can work for you. But, we always settle. Nobody's perfect, but theres someone for everyone. We dont find them because we settle. Then complain when there not everything we hoped for. Stop blaming boys and blame yourself for not being confident enough to turn guys down. I mean what, you think there wont be more?

Neway, i refuse to settle. And if that makes me stubborn, or whatever other word you can think of, then i'll be that. Because in the end were all aiming for the same goal, happiness. This is the only way i see myself making it