So I woke up this morning feeling different. Not different in a bad way, just different. I was talking to Shiny and we were discussing how things happen to me. I've noticed this fact all my life, but the truth is I have no choice but to deal with it. I don't have many friends and for good reason. The more people I call friends the more drama it brings for me. Honestly im kind of an old soul. I love to have fun, but this lifestyle people my age live, I just have no desire to live my life that that. People don't believe me but, i don't need to party, I really go out once every few months. I have fun but im a little more chills.

Its nice to know that you still there for me when i need someone. You get points for that every time. So um today was an ok day. I worked, and now im like super bored. I made a promise to myself and i'm gonna stick to it, lord knows this will be hard, lol a beast has been unleashed. So we will see how it goes.

rolling stone

It gets easier and easier everyday. I rarely even think to make contact. I know at some point in time i will be able to just talk to you and it be normal but that time just isn't now. So i will continue to keep my distance. School will start soon and i'll be pretty loaded as far as my schedule. I won't have time to think about it. My goal over the next few months is to expand... meet new people and expose myself to more good things in life. I'm not much of a dater, so im not pressed about that. We will see what comes my way. I'm working on bettering myself right now, hopefully i'll have my car soon. Oh well, that's enough for tonight.

Always Love,

If i miss anything at all I miss the affection. I miss knowing somebody loved me. I miss the hugs, and the kisses. How he kissed me on the forehead, when i would lay on his chest at the movies. I miss the convo's we had, and i miss knowing he was mine. Now all these things i miss are just memories that belong in the past. I messed around and caught feelings, and now im caught up. I guess what sucks the most is that you just keeping it movin. Im tryna get to that point.

Move along

I had to get a grip, everything happens for a reason. I was desperately holding on to false hope. That's not my character but love can make you do some crazy things. Life is full of obstacles, if it were easy so many people wouldn't struggle. It took me a while to find myself again, buried alive and hardly breathing under the hurt and loneliness. It took some time but I found what i was looking for. Your kisses used to make me melt, and now I feel nothing. Your touch once made me shiver, and yet again there's nothing. I know nothing more than memories. I keep hopes that the love we shared will once blossom again locked away in a small box. Love is never lost, it is just hidden. When it is again deserved...I won't have to produce a key, he will be the key to my heart. Until then I will love myself. I learn from every experience

Through the Wire

This is so hard because when i let someone in i give them my all. This is so hard because im dealing with so much alongside it. This is so hard because it came so suddenly. This is so hard because it wasn't supposed to happen. This is so hard because it feels like karma. This is so hard because I have to deal with my hurt knowing that when a heart breaks it don't break even. This is so hard because im still in love. This is so hard because despite how much i want to i can't be upset. This is so hard because i completely understand why it needed to happen. This is so hard because i know i'll wait. This is so hard because your return is not guaranteed, i can only hope. This is so hard because right now i don't even feel like myself. This is so hard because everyone around me knows that my current behavior is out of character. This is so hard because most days i can't even get out of bed. This is so hard because the only time i leave my room is for work. This is so hard because when you love someone its hard to let go. This is so hard because now i dont know when its ok to call, and if you even wanna talk, if im talking too much, or too long. This is so hard because i feel like your ok now. This is so hard because... in order to get something, you have to go through something. Everything in me keeps telling me that this is worth it and im willing to go right down to the wire, and even through the fire.

a woman's best attribute and most fatal flaw

self doubt

I'm smart, but i know people who are smarter. I'm cute but ive seen prettier. Im funny but Im no comedian. I''d like to think to think im a leader but you aren't subject to follow. Truth is im only a little above average. From the outside looking in not much separates me from the crowd. I don't always feel like im good enough, as a matter of fact i rarely feel like im good enough, especially when it comes to academics. I have confidence in myself as person, as a young woman, but as a student im at square one, desperately attempting to build a strong foundation. i want so much out of life, and i know what it takes and what is required of me, but im so afraid of failing that i only hinder myself emotionally. However, i never let the fact that im insecure stop me from achieving, it drives me to do better. From the outside looking in I may appear average, but this average woman will do extraordinary things in the near future, and thats all i require of myself.

So. I'm writing this blog tonight because i know nobody reads my blog, and i need an outlet. I tend to have problems saying how i feel sometimes. I know this is something I need to work on. Sometimes I just feel like im better off not saying anything at all. Clearly that's not always the best option, but that's the method i choose most often. Im i different kind of girl, by this i mean i think differently. The things that piss most girls off don't bother me, but the things that do bother me really bother me. That might be a problem, its like all or nothing with me. With that said, one of the few things that bothers me is when im ignored. I know that people get mad and don't wanna talk, but it really makes me feel like crap when they ignore me especially when i feel really bad about it, and made an attempt to discuss it. i hate the thick clouds of tension. I just feel like theres nothing i can say or do, and i hate that feeling more than anything. This causes me to go into fall back mode. By this i mean i literally fall back. I feel like if you you don't want to talk to me then i just won't talk. Now, i know that this isnt the best method, but at the time it always seems best. Im pretty sure this is one of those things i REALLY need to work on.

Now on another note. Shiny is the best. Like i don't know what else to say. I know he gets mad, and most of the time he has every right to, but at the end of the day he always finds a way to make everything between us alright. This mans patience is outta this world. He's really always there for me, and even though we're apart im never worried. I know im putting him through it right now, i know i am, but its not intentional. I just hope he knows that. im sooo happy with our relationship its almost un real to me.ok im done for now i feel like one of those sprung chicks.

idk

so today is my first day of college, im not sure how i feel about this. The day didn't really start off well, but i'm feeling like it has to get better. I really hope i meet some new people. i think i need some more friends lmbo. Um coming here def makes me work harder towards my goal. I can really see it, i just have to reach a little. I also realize that it's time to put in work. Boy o boy my job is a completely different story, but it's a job none the less. My boyfriend went away to college, and so far things have been going pretty good. Of course there's things for us to work on and kinks to work out. But its good. He's coming to visit this weekend and im super excited. Most of the Krew will be back together again, o im def looking forward to this. I've come a long way, and im pushing forward everyday.

just some quick random thoughts.

Back

I have so much to learn, this I know. Im just so stubborn that Im not nearly as receptive as I should be. Its ironic because I love to learn, and i want to desperately, but when the method isn't right its a hard pill for me to swallow. Sometimes i wish i would have had more time to enjoy being a child. Sure i missed out on most of it because of the responsibilities given to me, level maturity i was expected to have, but i missed some because of my desire to be grown. I always wanted more, because of this I matured was quicker than i should have. As a result, everyone assumed i was older than i was. i always made friends with older people. Truth be told, i was never ready for the things they were into, but ive always been a quick learner.

Idk, now i just want the best for myself and its not about the fun, or the glam, or the recognition. For the first time, this is really about me. Im so good at making other people happy, i tend to make my happiness one of the lesser priorities. Truth is, i play roles well. I build walls. I put on. I let you see what im comfortable letting you see. i trust few people, but im very trustable. this sounds bad but, i feel like ive always felt like i had to protect myself ( who else gonna do it). Buy ive outgrown that phase in my life. That was a cop out.

The ironic thing about Really growing up is that you learn to take some risks and granted... the fear is there strong and vivid as ever but you don't care. It's not enough to hold you back anymore. Im getting closer and closer to that mind frame everyday, and im nothing but happy with the decisions ive made and the people ive chose to open my heart to. i guess this is what life is all about, growing...evolving, essentially becoming the person you were put on this earth to be. I honestly believe we all have purpose. I think i know where im should to start. i really feel like im on the right track. I needed a little balance. I feel like i have that now. Ive finally gotten to the point where i can be open. i really feel like im Shamriel now. Granted, im learning new things about myself everyday, but im taking it all in one day at a time.

Im so freakn home sick

so I havent been home in a while. On top of that, the last time i was home was for all the wrong reasons. Its crazy because when I was there... all the things i miss now got on my last nerves. I miss the random bums outside the liquor basket, the dudes tryna sell mixtapes. I miss seeing everybody at the grocery store. I miss fuzzys icecream. I miss East Genesee. I miss my fam, my blackperson, craig, and my other ppl. i'd like to think that they are all thinking about me just as much, but truth is, life goes on, and though i may cross their minds, they have all moved on. Im ok with that. It would be nice to see some familar faces, and walk into embracing arms though.

Long over due

So im listening to halo on this random saturday night. I got off work, came home, sat down for a minute and realized that i had a lot on my mind. Things have been so different for me over the past couple of months. I never knew I could know a happiness like this. Sometimes it scares me, the thought that another person is bringing me this happiness. At times i still think this is too good to be true, but every single day he lets me know that its real. He always knows what to say and what to do to make me smile.

I find myself thinking about him at random times of day. I smile every time I look at my phone and see his name. I never thought i'd be this girl, I actually told myself I wouldn't be this girl. I failed once, because I was afraid, I needed to keep my comfort zone. I realized that I cant push you anymore. I don't wanna not have you here. That double negative was real ugly but id rather it be that way. Neway... this means so much to me. I know its hard to tell because im afraid of looking soft, and I know we have no plans because because im afraid of making them, so tonight I wanna change some things.

I love you. Simply because your what im missing in my life. And as long as you want me by your side ill be there. And im ready to start that list whenever you are.

Boy o Boy

So i havent blogged in a while but as you all know i recently turned 18. After all the glitz went away i was left with myself and my thoughts. ive recently been reevaluating my life, where i am, where i want to go, and who i want to have along side me on this journey. i also put alot of thought into my standards and what i will and will not stand for. all of these thoughts brought me to think about the one question every woman asks herself at some point in her life. Why do/did i settle?

Is it wrong to have a list, and have high values? Why not weed out all those people who you know aren't worth your time? Why do women settle and then post status' on facebook like "all men are dogs, men suck, men are liars"... the truth is this. Some men are dogs, some men cheat, some men suck, most are liars, but some are great. Those select few who meet the standards of your list can work for you. But, we always settle. Nobody's perfect, but theres someone for everyone. We dont find them because we settle. Then complain when there not everything we hoped for. Stop blaming boys and blame yourself for not being confident enough to turn guys down. I mean what, you think there wont be more?

Neway, i refuse to settle. And if that makes me stubborn, or whatever other word you can think of, then i'll be that. Because in the end were all aiming for the same goal, happiness. This is the only way i see myself making it

Lights, Camera, Action

How effective is paper chasn'? Of course like all of my other blogs this one too is inspired by music. Sociery puts so much pressure on us, not just to succeed, but to be the greatest. Ironically that's why most peoplel fail at life. Their minds surpass comfortable living arangements, and only see the flashing lights at the end of the tunnel. Notice that i said flashing lights rather than the blinding white light at the end of the tunnel. My reasoning being that its not obtainable for all people. Everyone gets a glimspe of it but when they get to the end of the tunnel, for some people the light is no longer shinning. These are the unsing stories. Again it's amazing to me because these unsung stories heavily outweigh the famous rags to riches tales. Yet we only here of the hood to Hollywoods.

Hey I completely understand america's choice to provide positive examples. However, Americans need to take the responsibility of educating our youth. Helping them to understand that not everyone can obtain the spotlight. There's nothing wrong with living within comfortable means. All lawyers can't be Johhny Cockran.

song reference
Just because you become their biggest fan, and follow them, doesn't ensure that they're gonna take your picture. ;)

Texas Hold Em

I tend to use quotes and sayings in alot of my everyday life. The one that popped in my mind today was "You can only play the cards you were dealt." Its funny because we as people always blame our backgrounds or upbringings for the end result of our life. Or where we are at the moment. But the way I see it is, life is like Texas hold Em. How? Well were all dealt a hand of cards. These cards are given to you in a specific order, after they've been shuffled. Your only allowed so many. Theres no way you could possibly know what cards are coming to you, but you look to each as if it were your last. You put certain ones together, and in your mind you push some aside. They are your give -aways. In your mind they aren't as valuable as the others. They are actually dispensable, because you know that in due time they can be traded in in hopes of better ones. These are our material things, they come and they go, but only the corect combination makes for comfortable living. For Instance if one has a television but no electricity, then it is as if he has no tv.

However, one who's mastered the game is precise, and patient. He knows that the worse hand in the beginning has the potential to become the best in the end.So he
calculates and then he makes moves. A seasoned player has to know when to Hold Em, and when to let them go. But most importantly he knows how to do so with composure, you will never see him sweat.

So like I was saying, a player can only play with the cards he has. When its time to reveal nothing else matters but the cards that you have in your hand, in comparison to the other players.

I guess im saying, you can't blame the dealer because you have a bad hand. You knew there was a possibility of you getting a bad hand when you started. Nothing is life is promised, we live day to day off the good graces of God. Some of those in the world are more fortunate than others. But we all must remember that everything that glitters isn't gold.

Our goal should be to try to become that seasoned player. Because to the outside man looking in, he seems to have a good hand. He will never let you know that its simply an excellent POKER FACE.

just some food for thought... i guess ima little bored lol

LOL Smiley Face

What ever happened to meaning and substance?

This is the question I ask myself everytime I turn on the radio. This is the reason why the use of the radio isn't permitted in my vehicle. Anyway, it hurts my heart to know that half of my generation knows nothing about the roots of Hip Hop, and the liberation associated with it. And yes it really bothers me when kids tell me that Soulja Boy Tell Em is they favorite rapper. He dont even rap. Don't get me wrong, I respect his huslte but he is garbage.

What happened to real music? Well here's my theory. Since the beginning of Hip Hop there has always been these whack rappers amoung the greats, however the listeners were able to puzzle out the good from the bad and keep certain music in its place. As time went on Hip Hop became more mainstream, and people who weren't true fans began to listen right along with the HIPHOPFANATICS. As the saying goes, to each his own. As America tuned in, these (whack) songs won the radio battle, forcing Hip Hops subtance underground. If you ever pay attention the hardest songs are those that dont get much radio time, because they dont make you lean and rock. The best songs on a cd are never the Singles. They are the songs that most people don't take the time to listen to.

Trust me there will be more on the matter but for now, i leave you with this.
The songs that i sing, to you are my ev-r-y-thing.
(check out my 1st song by jay-z its on my playlist)

MY 1ST SONG

HUH. LIKE IM NOT ONE FOR SHARING BUT I GUESS I'LL TRY SOMETHING DIFFERENT TONIGHT. TODAY I REALIZED SOMETHING THATS GOING TO STICK WITH ME FOR A MINUTE OR SO. ERYKAH BADU HAS A SONG AND IN IT SHE SAYS SHE TOOK A MINUTE TO RE-EVALUTE ALL OF THE THINGS SHE THINKS ARE SPECIAL. SO I TOOK THE TIME TO DO SO. I REALIZED THAT NOT MANY PEOPLE FIT IN THAT CATEGORY. STAY WITH ME NOW THIS WOULD BE THE IMPORTANT GROUP. SO LIKE EVERYNIGHT I OPENED ITUNES AND PUSHED MY FAVORITE PLAYLIST AT THE MOMENT, THIS BEING BLUEPRINT BY NONE OTHER THAN JAY-Z, AND I LISTENED. I DIDNT SPEAK, I DIDNT NOD, I JUST LISTENED. SO OFTEN WE OVERLOOK SUBSTANCE, AND LOOK TO CONVIENCE. SO I LET IT PLAY, AS I LISTENED. NOW I LOVE THE WHOLE ALBULM BUT, NATURALLY I HAVE FAVORITES. ONE BEIN SONG CRY. NOW BY NOW YOUR PROBABLY ASKING YOURSELF WHAT THIS HAS TO DO WITH ANYTHING. BUT YOU MUST REMEMBER THAT I LIVE MY LIFE THROUGH MY MUSIC. SO TONIGHT THROUGH THIS SONG I GUESS IM CHOOSING TO CRACK A SEALED SAFE.

ICANT SEE EM COMIN DOWN MY EYES SO I GOTTA LET THIS SONG CRY.

THESE WORDS ARE INDICATIVE OF MY ATTITUDE TOWARDS LIFE, SO TO SPEAK. IM SICKA THEN YA AVERAGE, COINED BY BIGGIE, BUT CONFIRMED BY YOURS TRULY. IM NOT ONE TO LET PEOPLE COMPLETELY INTO MY WORLD. IN OTHER WORDS I TEND TO BUILD BARRIERS, SOMETIMES THEY CAN BE SMALL LIKE SCREENS AND OTHER TIMES THEY CAN RESEMBLE BRICK WALLS. HENCE MY REASON FOR LOVING THE SONG HALO. NEWAY, IVE MADE MYSELF INTO A PERSON WHO REFUSES TO CRY SO ID MUCH RATHER LET SONGS CRY. THE WORD CRY STANDING FOR ALL EMOTION THAT CAN BE USED AGAINST ME. LOL. IN MY OPINION THOSE WHO WEAR THEIR HEARTS ON THEIR SLEVES, HAVE DRAMA. SO I ALLOW MY MUSIC TO BEAR MY EMOTION. IT ALLOWS ME TO TAKE THAT MINUTE AND RE-EVALUATE WHATS IMPORTANT.

SO AS I WAS SAYN I TOOK THAT MINUTE AND I REALIZED THAT MY REAL FRIENDS ARE ONLY THE ONES WHO WERE ABLE TO BREAK DOWN MY WALLS, AND SEE ME FOR ME. THEY REALIZE THAT I NEVER NEEDED A SONG TO DESCRIBE ANYTHING TO THEM. WITH THEM IM PERFECTLY ABLE TO DISPLAY EMOTION AND NOT FEEL AT ALL VULERABLE. AND I LOVE THEM FOR THAT.